The American Dream











{May 26, 2009}   Summer is finally here!

I love summer!

This weekend was beautiful. The weather was perfect, and it was nice to open the windows and go outside. Since hubby’s grandpa passed away, grandma has been busying herself with all sorts of chores. Cleaning, painting, updating, replacing, nothing is off limits. She’s 81, so she can’t do everything, and what she can’t do, she makes a list. For us.

I love her as though she were my own grandma, but after this weekend, i am worn out! I’m glad we just live next door and are able to help her. This weekend i weed whipped around all the barns and around the barnyard while hubby and his mum helped grandma mulch her flower beds. Later, hubby pulled out tree stumps from the trees the tornado blew down. Hubby and his dad looked at the windows that need to be fixed and ordered the parts. I promised grandma i’d help her paint the barns – another weekend. Weed whipping doesn’t sound like a big chore, but it literally took me all day. It hadn’t been done at all this year and there are 7 barns, a barnyard, and a loooooooooooooooong ditch. And a ton of equipment parked out in the yard. i was hopeful all my hard work would pay off when i hoped on the scale this morning. But, one measly pound is all i lost.

Hubby has been very successful in landing some additional contracts for the summer. This is good, since i am making considerably less. I am only working 3 days a week, and i promised hubby i would work for him 2-3 days a week. This will keep our payroll down, and help me get in shape. It was pretty tough the first few days, but i’m getting use to it. the physical work is good for me.

The wives of the firefighters have decided to come together and form an auxiliary. Everyone felt that the department is in need of a boost and help bring everyone together like a family. So, surprisingly, all but 2 of the wives are on the same page and excited, no, ecstatic! to work together as one big happy family. We’ve only had 2 meetings, but the reception from the guys is very positive and they have already started to act more brotherly to one another.

Still looking for a new job. Not a whole lot of prospects in this dismal state. We have the highest unemployment rate in the nation and with Chrysler and most likely GM filing bankruptcy, it’s only going to get worse.

I sent my resume for a position that i’m very interested in, and think i may have a shot at. It’s non-manufacturing and non-automotive. I received a call last week from them looking for references. Out of the 10 people they are checking references on, 5 will get interviews. Cross your fingers!

Still no real progress on the weight loss or conceiving, but i believe it’s in the works. I’m a much happier person than i was even 6 months ago, and things are really looking up in a lot of areas. I’ve been trying to convince myself that i wasn’t that stressed out about finances, work, etc. But, since i’ve been getting caught up on bills and actually starting to pay things off, and buying discretionary things like clothes, it feels like a huge heavy black cloud is lifting.

I won’t be able to rest easy until all bills are current and we have extra at the end of the month, but we are making progress. I am making progress. I feel almost like the old me again.



It’s been a day or two since my last post and things have been going pretty good. I’m almost to the point where all of my bills are current and have made payment arrangements on some loose ends. Things were starting to look pretty good.

Then, i got a call on Friday from the owner. Unfortunately, due to cutbacks at their other companies, all employees are being cut back to 60%. That means working 3 days a week, and only getting 60% of your paycheck. Oy.

Ya know what though. I’m not upset. Really. I wonder if maybe this is just God’s way of pushing me out the door. Maybe this is not where i’m supposed to be in life. I stayed here all these years because it was “comfortable”. I’m good at my job, and until recently, had good medical coverage for me and my hubby. I didn’t have good size paychecks, but it was security. Now, we are covered under our own insurance and my pay is super tiny. I realize this really sounds stupid. Jobs are impossible to find in this economy. Trust me – I’ve been looking.

I don’t know where my path leads, but i trust that there is a path for me. I came across this story today, and it inspired me. Perhaps the lesson in all i’ve been through is to just let it go. I’ve been holding on to worry and doubt and insecurity so tightly that i haven’t accomplished a thing. I weigh just as much, I haven’t conceived any babies, and my work situation is now worse. Time for me to set down the glass and start focusing on what’s really important…

 

A professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, ‘How much do you think this glass weighs?’…. ‘50 gms!’ …. ‘100 gms!’ ……’125 gms’ ……the students answered.

‘I really don’t know unless I weigh it,’ said the professor, ‘but, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?’ ”Nothing’ the students said.

‘Ok what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?’ the professor asked. ‘Your arm would begin to ache said one of the students. ‘You’re right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?’

‘’Your arm could go numb, you might have severe muscle stress and paralysis and have to go to hospital for sure!’ ventured another student. All the students laughed.

‘Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?’ asked the professor. ‘No’ , said the students in one voice!

‘Then what caused the arm ache and the muscle stress?’ The students were puzzled .’Put the glass down!’ said one of the students.

‘Exactly!’ said the professor.’ Life’s problems are something like this. Hold it for a few minutes in your head and they seem OK. Think of them for a long time and they begin to ache. Hold it even longer and they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.’



{February 17, 2009}   looking up

so i guess it’s been a few days since my last post. Strangely, things are starting to look better. Hubby’s surgery went well and he is getting better every day. Work is getting more hopeful. The owner is wanting to open up again as a new company. He’s hired a sales representative to get us some contracts, and this guy seems to be pretty aggressive. We still don’t have any health insurance, but i’m hoping with this new company starting up that we can get some revenue and reinstate benefits.

i just finished building a website for the fire department. it’s pretty cool. that really helped my self-confidence. not that i did it for me, but i enjoyed doing it and it turned out better than i thought it would, so i think my upswing in confidence has helped me at work too.

i can’t help but feel like this is only temporary. i really hope not. it feels good to feel good again.



{January 24, 2009}   secret surgery…

Hubby’s been mad at me all week (long story). Whatever. I was mad at him also. I’m not sure if i mentioned earlier, but our health insurance coverage is ending at the end of the month. He was diagnosed with a hernia, oh…., about a year ago and has been putting it off. Well, since our coverage is ending, i’ve been bugging and pestering him to get it taken care of. Even if we pick up another insurance carrier, most pre-existing conditions aren’t covered for 12 months. That’s a long time.

Well, unbeknownst to me he met with a surgeon and scheduled surgery. For yesterday. I found out because the hospital called and left a message on the answering machine about pre-registering. So, i spent my Friday taking him to the hospital. Nine hours later i got to bring him home. Yay me. Now, i get to take care of him all weekend.

Part (most) of me is happy that he finally had the surgery and now we can put that behind us. The other part of me is super pissed at him. He’s been an asshole to me all week. Even before that, he treated me like he didn’t really want me to be a part of his life. And now? I get to wait on him hand and foot for the next 3 or 4 days.

So, that’s why i escaped upstairs for a little while. I need to blog out my frustrations and not take it out on him. Even though i really want to.

Lord, give me strength. I know i can’t be the only wife out there who’s dealt with this.



{January 23, 2009}   are you fucking kidding me?

Even my mother is against me. She calls me tonight. Actually, she called like 8 times, but i didn’t answer. You ever have those feelings in the pit of your stomach that you know who it is on the other end of the line and you just don’t have the muster to talk to them cuz you know what kind of poison it is? Anyway, she calls like 8 times, but never leaves a message. WTF?

So, eventually i decide to answer the phone because i know she’ll start calling my cell phone. (she’s very persistent). Anyway, she starts off the conversation oh, how’s work? What the hell? Obviously not good since we  permanently closed the doors. Here’s your sign.

So i go on to tell her that i went to the unemployment office yesterday and immediately she cuts in. how was it? how were the lines? was it packed? No, mom, don’t believe everything you see on the telly. We live in a small town in a small county. What you see on the news is in the BIG city – you know, where we DON’T live? Argh!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, i try to tell her that the state offers a program for displaced workers whose companies closed down permanently, amongst other things. Again, before i get a chance to go any farther, she cuts me off. That’s so stupid she says, do you know who pays for that? The taxpayers! Okay, now i’m starting to get pissed. Really, mom? The taxpayers? No shit? When was the last time you paid any taxes out of your paycheck? Oh, wait, that’s right. You haven’t worked in 30 years! But, i let her ramble.

Well, i was thinking i would take advantage of that program, i tell her. For what? She asks. I tell her i want to be a financial adviser. She laughs. She actually FUCKING laughed at me. In this economy? she says. Yes, i’ve actually been thinking about it a long time and now i have an opportunity to pursue this dream of mine. It’s actually a job sector that is expected to grow 15% in the next 3 years. I’m thinking this should set her straight, right? Wrong. She starts grilling me. Well, how long does it take, what classes do you need, how will you live on unemployment? I’m not in the mood for interrogation. Fortunately, my little brother cuts her off and reminds her that he’s supposed to be somewhere right now. She has to go.

That’s too bad.

Don’t worry, when she got home like 10 minutes later, she tried calling me back. 3 times.

Do you ever have those days when you’re just not in the mood for that old familiar poison?

Me too…



{January 21, 2009}   meaningless…………….

It’s pretty evident my life sucks. I can’t do ANYTHING right. I have no close friends. My husband hates me. I can’t find a job. I can’t lose weight. I can’t even reproduce. It’s pretty sad when even God thinks you suck so bad that He doesn’t want you to carry on His creation. What else can i say? What else is there to say. My life has no purpose. There is no reason for me to be here. That’s pretty obvious. So, now what do i do? Should i leave and travel aimlessly until i find what i was put on this earth for? Do i stay and tell myself these feelings will pass? i’m sick of being worthless.



{January 20, 2009}   Congratulations, Mr. President

Today i watched and listened to the inaugural speech of our 44th president, Barack Hussein Obama. A very moving and inspiring text, worthy of being posted here. Courtesy of http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090120/ap_on_go_pr_wh/inauguration_obama_text

Text of President Barack Obama’s inaugural address on Tuesday, as prepared for delivery and released by the Presidential Inaugural Committee.

OBAMA: My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because we the people have remained faithful to the ideals of our forebears, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America’s decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology’s wonders to raise health care’s quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. All this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. Those of us who manage the public’s dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our founding fathers … our found fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience’s sake. And so to all the other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society’s ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to the suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter’s courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent’s willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence — the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent Mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America’s birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

“Let it be told to the future world … that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive…that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet (it).”

America, in the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children’s children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God’s grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.



I came across an artice on MSNBC.com the other day. “Under 30? Looking for a job? You’re not alone” (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28663645/) Although it didn’t help my insecurity any, it really helped put things in perspective. Apparently, my generation has the highest unemployment rate in the nation.

The article starts off by describing how, in a deep recession, employers are more apt to hire older “seasoned” employees with more experience. Who can argue with that? As an employer, if i had my choice of 300+ applicants, I’m going to pick the best deal for my money.

However, the article takes a sharp turn and starts to describe how Gen Y’ers don’t work hard enough, are impatient, and should climb the long corporate ladder like their ancestors did.

Ummmmmm…………..

Wait a minute. Most of our ancestors weren’t nearly as educated as our generation, furthermore, most of them don’t have a college degree. They had no choice but to learn along the way. Now, i’m not saying that everyone with a college degree is brilliant and deserving of a CEO position. What I am saying is this article makes my generation sound like a bunch of spoiled brats who had the world handed to them on a silver platter.

Not so much.

I’ve had a job since i was 15. I paid for my own college education. I have never “job-hopped”. Yes, i do have a dream job (in mind). Shouldn’t we all? Apparently the author has a miserable job and thinks everyone should suffer 9-5 with her.

If there’s one thing i’ve learned in my short, unexperienced, unappreciative life is that life is too short to not enjoy. There is no point in being a corporate slave to a company that just continues to take and take until you have nothing left to give. And? At the end of your 40-50 years of servitude, sorry, we had to cut out the pensions to increase our executive salaries and bonuses. Enjoy social security, since we didn’t pay you enough to contribute to your own retirement plan. F  THAT!

I’m sorry, I WANT MORE. Call me what you want, but my ancestors did not risk life and limb to come to the land of opportunity to end up being a work horse for someone else’s gain. I believe that the baby-boomers recognized that and raised their children to believe that they can be anything, do anything. And you know what? They can. And they will.

Just watch.



Insecurity is by definition “lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt; Not sure or certain; doubtful; Inadequately guarded or protected; unsafe”.

Feelings of insecurity have been bubbling up for a few weeks now. Every day that goes by increases those feelings. At a time when you are supposed to reflect on all the things you are thankful for in life and all the blessings that you have been given, i find myself focusing on all the insecurities i am facing. I feel guilty for feeling this way and have been trying to “get over it”, but inevitably something happens that sets me off again.

I am losing my job at the end of the year. The company i have poured my blood, sweat, and tears into for the past seven years has closed up permanently. I am here to shut things down, and box things up. I have no employment security. Like most Americans, we live paycheck to paycheck. The little savings we have won’t even cover a mortgage payment. I am scared. We have no financial security. With no job, we also have no health insurance security.

These feelings of inadequacy and insecurity have led me to doubt the bonds of marriage with my hubby. Through no fault of his, little things are misinterpreted by me and i worry about silly things. I am afraid that he won’t love me anymore or will seek out a relationship with someone else who is thinner, prettier, funnier, more confident, and employed.

The adventure of infertility is wreaking havoc in my brain. All these feelings of inadequacy and insecurity make me wonder if maybe we just weren’t meant to bear children. Maybe hubby doesn’t want to have children with me. With the loss of health insurance, why on God’s green earth would we continue trying anyway?

The truth is, amongst all these feelings of insecurity, i desperately want a child. More than ever. I’m willing to do whatever it takes. If i have to work three jobs to pay for the medical bills and keep up on the mortgage, i’ll do it. I’m still taking my medication and charting my BBT. Although, i am angry to announce that there was no ovulation this month. Which turned out to be okay, because hubby hasn’t been “interested” lately, if you know what i mean.

Anyway, i regularly follow a blog about a woman who suffered from infertility, tried every conceivable way to get pregnant, and now has 2 precious children. She’s a fantastic author and even better mother. Her blunt and humorous writing style is the perfect medicine on the days i have pity parties. In her latest blog, she discusses an article in the New York Times Magazine about an author who used gestational surrogacy to finally achieve motherhood.

I read the article. This woman sounded so much like myself. She shared the same feelings I have, only far more eloquently.

“THE DESIRE TO BE a mother — to give birth to a child, to care for that child — has always been rooted in me. I never doubted my ability to be a good mother.”

Okay, that sounds like most women, but it gets closer to home.

“Her gesture underscored the helpless, self-enforced secrecy of the infertile. Couples often erect a barricade of privacy around the process to avoid the questions from friends and family members, and their ceaseless, useless volley of suggestions: You just need to relax. Did you try acupuncture? Soy milk makes you infertile. You’re in front of your computer too much. What’s the problem with all you career girls? Did this cycle work? Are you pregnant this time? How many shots? Where? A low whistle: Boy, you must really want a child.

You must really want a child. As if that were a bad thing.”

Ah, yes. The judgemental well-wishers. But wait, there’s more!

“I BECAME ENSNARED in the terrible, wishful math of infertility. It went like this: I am 36 years and 2 months old. If I get pregnant today, I will have my baby while I am still 36.

I am 37 1/2 years old. If I become pregnant today — this very day — I will have my baby when I am 38 years old.

I am 38 years and 1 month old. If I become pregnant today — this very day, this very second — and manage to hold on to the baby, I will have my baby when I am 38 years old. “

I thought i was the only one who calculated every day, every month, every year. Every day i think about what day of the cycle i’m currently in, how many pills i need to take today (if any), what day ovulation is expected, what day implantation would take place, what day i can take a pregnancy test the earliest, how old am i, how old will i be when the baby is born, what month/week the baby would arrive, and on and on. It’s exhausting – and overwhelming.

“A child with our genes would be a part of us. My husband’s face would be mirrored in our child’s face, proof that our love not only existed, but could be recreated beyond us. Die without having created a life, and die two deaths: the death of yourself, and the death of the immense opportunity that is a child. “

At this point i started bawling. Hallmark doesn’t even make a card to deal with that raw emotion.

“We talked about how she had played on her college tennis team. She was an accompanist for a children’s choir and brought her piano sheet music so she could practice.

She played our Steinway while I got lunch.

I stood outside the living room, holding a tray of tuna sandwiches and listening. I was numb. I can hardly play the piano. I never played on my college tennis team. Back in those days, I was smoking and dyeing my hair black. For Pete’s sake, I thought, this woman can do all those things — and have my baby.”

This seems silly, but this part hit home as well. In high school, i was really something. I could do anything. I worked after school and on weekends, i ran cross country and track, played volleyball, was secretary of the NHS, tutored, active in our church’s youth group, graduated in the top 10 of my class. I had it all. Who knew it would all come crashing down after high school ended? Don’t get me wrong, i married the love of my life and live in a beautiful house we built together. I worked hard to get my bachelor’s degree taking classes at night. But, everyday i have that nagging feeling that there’s something – someone – missing from our lives.

“I would sometimes feel barren, decrepit, desexualized, as if I were branded with a scarlet “I” for “Infertile.””

Although the writer, Alex, is referring to her feelings while the surrogate mother was pregnant, i feel like that all the time. Yikes.

The part that really struck a dagger into my heart of hearts was reading the comments at the end of the article. Unbelievable. The cold, heartless comments these readers had the audacity to leave in a public forum was wretchedly heartbreaking. Obviously,these readers must have a handful of healthy children at home, conceived without thought, maybe even a few “oopsie” children.

i’m almost speechless at the immense reaction to their views of the article. Many commented on the pictures of the surrogate mother, barefoot and pregnant, sitting on a dilapidated porch while the mother stands in her perfectly manicured lawn in front of her perfect home while the baby nurse looks on. You know what? Seriously? I don’t see what they see. I thought the surrogate mother looked relaxed, peaceful, content. Her dog is laying on the porch next to her at the home where she raised here own children and many memories were made. She is truly happy to carry the child of another mother.

Read the article and make your own opinion. Although i could never afford to do this, the emotions are the same. I am happy and excited for Alex. She was able to finally complete her family.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/30/magazine/30Surrogate-t.html?_r=2&hp=&pagewanted=all



{November 20, 2008}   Hunting Season

Gun hunting season (for deer) officially opened this past Saturday in our State. I just got in the game today. Job hunting that is!! This week i realized that there is no hope for this place. The owners are engaging less and less and obviously moving on to other things. The plant manager and i are the only ones here and seemingly the only ones taking care of business. So, this morning i decided that i want to continue receiving a paycheck and insurance benefits in the future.

I posted my resume online. I realize that there aren’t a lot of jobs out there. The few jobs there are have a LOT of applicants. But, i’m never going to get anywhere unless i try. I sent my resume to about 20 places today. Tomorrow, i’ll send some more. I have to be careful with myself. I’ll send one or two resumes and then get in a depressed mode and start downplaying my resume and applying to lower level positions. Although i am willing to accept a lower level position if i have to, i don’t think i should start there.

I’m praying that the perfect job for the right salary will find it’s way to me. Since i make so little right now, i’m not worried about taking a hit on the paycheck. I’m just very concerned about the insurance.

Cross your fingers!!



et cetera