when thank you isn’t enough

How do you say thank you to someone who just saved your husband’s life? You say “thank you” when someone holds the door for you. You say “thank you” when someone picks up your mail while your gone or says “God Bless You” after you sneeze. These are trivial things. What words can you use to express more gratitude and emotion than just “thanks”???

Let’s start off by saying everything is perfectly okay, now. We found out a few years ago that my hubby is allergic to bee stings. He went to urgent care, they gave him benadryl and 1 Rx for an epipen and that was it. Well, a few days ago he got stung again. He wasn’t sure it was even a bee at first because he didn’t see it and he didn’t see any swarming around. He just kept working for about 10 minutes and headed home when he saw the repairman pull in our driveway.

Apparently he started feeling crummy all at once. He yelled out to the repairman that he’d just been stung and he thinks he’s going to pass out. And then he did. He must have come to for a minute because he called his mom (who thankfully lives across the street and just happened to be home this week). She got in the car to take him to urgent care, but he passed out again and there was no way to get him in the car. She dialed 911 to have the ambulance take him. He was still breathing okay.

By now, we have the 2 repairman and MIL trying to help Scott. A couple of neighbors came down to see what’s going on and the lawn crew came home with the epipen that, yes, was in another truck. The police arrived first and put oxygen on hubby. They can’t carry epipens. The EMT’s arrived and loaded him into the ambulance with the assistance of the aforementioned crowd. Did i mention my hubby’s a big boy? By this time, his dad had come over and was going to stay with the repairman while Hubby went to urgent care to get his shot.

Well, the ambulance only made it to the end of the road and stopped. Hubby’s dad saw this and jumped in his truck to see what’s going on. The EMT’s had given him a shot of adrenaline and it wasn’t working. They gave him another shot and that’s when he went into cardiac arrest. Because there are only 2 EMT’s on a truck, they had to stop so they could both work on him. The cop was following the ambulance and jumped in to help. This is about the time Hubby’s dad caught up to them. Needless to say, he was worried/scared/upset all at the same time. The cop jumped in the drivers seat to drive the ambulance and hubby’s dad rode up front while they sped off to the hospital.

Where am i while all this is going on? Well, I’m at work. I just found out our biggest customer had just filed bankruptcy and was talking to the president of our company about how we’re going to handle this. Once the ambulance came, my MIL jumped in her car to head to the hospital and she called me. I asked her to pick me up on the way. Neither one of us had any idea what had happened in the ambulance. In fact, she was telling me on the way that my FIL was staying with the repairman. The ride to the hospital is only about 20 minutes from where i work, but that day it felt like hours. Everything was in slow motion.

We finally make it to the exit and see an ambulance just ahead of us. We looked at each other and said that couldn’t possibly be my hubby, must be someone else. So we finally pull into the emergency entrance of the hopital and she drops me off at the door. I look over and see the cop and my FIL standing outside. For half a second i thought “that’s weird” but rushed inside to see my hubby. I ran inside and found the nurse’s station trying to find out where he is. The nurse hands me hubby’s wallet. I didn’t think much about it. Probably just needed identification/insurance info. No big.

Just then i see my hubby’s parents walk in and they are sobbing uncontrollably. They explained what happened and i just froze. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t move. Now everything was in super slow mode and fast forward all at once. Another nurse shuffled us into a private waiting room where my FIL explained everything that had just happened. He could barely talk. Never in my life have i felt so vulnerable. I had absolutely no control. I couldn’t do anything but wait. It was awful. It was hell.

Eventually another nurse came by and handed me his fire pager and said we could see him, don’t worry everything’s fine, etc. Blah blah blah i really only saw the words not heard them. We walked in and there he was. Breathing mask, tubes, wires, IV’s. And shaking uncontrollably. Apparently the adrenalin makes the body shake. They assured me that means it’s working. They were giving him benadryl and potassium. But, i could see that he was breathing and his heart was beating and that’s all that mattered to me at that point. I sat down next to the bed and held his hand and wasn’t moving until he woke up.

Well, word travels fast in a small town. After a while, his sister and her husband came. Followed by my mom and youngest brother. A good friend from the fire department showed up. I was getting voicemails and text messages every 2 minutes it seemed like. The EMT’s stopped by to see how he was doing. I couldn’t find any words appropriate enough to express my gratitude for saving his life. I was still frozen inside. Words wouldn’t come. I hope the look on my face said it all. I breathed thank you over and over while signing their various (and many!) forms. I think they could see how grateful i was. I don’t think they’ll ever really know.



So it’s been a while since my last post. I’m happy to report that hubby’s grandpa is still with us. In fact, he started chemo this past week. He’s exceptionally tired and has lost his apetite, but he’s fighting with all he’s got. I’m so proud of him.

Last night i talked to hubby. This is the 2nd month in a row without ovulation. He’s getting impatient. He wants a little one before anything happens to his grandpa. I do too. My original goal (back in March) was to be pregnant before my birthday. Well, tick tock, tick tock – time’s almost up! I have been faithfully taking my medication and recording my basal temperature every day. Today i faxed my basal temp chart to my fertility doc to see what she can do. Hopefully she can up the dosage or waive her magic wand or click her heels three times or just do something to make this happen!

Maybe some of this is my fault. I fell off the diet/exercise bandwagon and must have hit my head pretty hard on the way down because I have completely abandoned my plan for the past 2-3 months. I can’t do anything about that lost time, but today i’m starting all over again. I went to McD’s at lunch and got myself a bacon ranch salad and an ice water. Not sure what i’m going to do for dinner yet. I need to dust off the low-carb cookbook and start making things ahead of time.

WHY WHY WHY can’t i stick to low carb? I need to, must do this for not just myself, but my family – and most importantly – my future family. This is one demon i’m having a hell of a time overcoming. Pardon the pun.

Okay. Today is day one (again). This time i CAN NOT FAIL. Lord – please don’t let me let myself down again. Please keep me strong.


All bad news

My husband called with some bad news this morning. His grandpa’s sister passed away. She had the same cancer that hubby’s grandpa has. It’s worth mentioning that she lived with it for 10 years. She was 90 years young.

Over the weekend, hubby told me that grandpa’s doctor suggested that he get hospice. They didn’t, but i’m very worried about his health. The doctor also said that he is too weak to start chemotherapy.

Also, over the weekend, hubby’s mom stopped by. She works in purchasing for an automotive supplier. There are 5 people in her department. A girl she works with, a good friend, decided to quit after enduring bad treatment from the head manager. She has no other job and no plans. Not only that, all of the work she was doing has now been transferred to my MIL. So, at a time when she needs to spend every free moment with her very sick father, she needs to concentrate on learning a new program and increased workload under the thumb of a spiteful & unsympathetic head manager.

What a horrible weekend.


Goals that are not written down are just wishes

Lately i’ve been doing a lot of self evaluation. I’m not the person i wanted to be, life didn’t turn out the way i thought it would. When i was little, i thought that being a grown up was “it”. I could be whatever i wanted to be, do whatever i wanted to do, look however i wanted to look. I really believed that i could control my destiny, my life. Turns out, shit happens.

Without sounding horribly pessimistic, let me explain. Growing up, all i ever heard was “you can be anything you want to be, all you have to do is set your mind to it”. My generation had no boundries like my parents and ancestors did. Girls could wear pants to school, it was okay for girls to be smart, we were encouraged to attend college and be all that you can be. There are no limitations on career of choice, if you choose. This certainly gives you the perception that you are in the driver’s seat of life.

What they don’t tell you is there are stop signs, road blocks, detours, and heavy construction along the way. Such is life. And that’s okay. But i feel like i’ve fallen asleep at the wheel. My foot has eased off the gas pedal and my hands have slipped from the wheel. I’m just a passenger at the mercy of the vehicle, the road. And that sucks.       

So, inspired my one of my favorite magazines, Inc., i have decided to make a list of goals and accomplishments that i would like to reach in my lifetime. Since that’s a really long time, let’s narrow it down to, say, 40-45 years old. I don’t want this to sound like a bucket list. Just a list of goals that would help me feel like i’m back in the driver seat. Although i have been working at a few of my goals pretty steadily the past few months, i haven’t gained much ground. I’m looking for motivation, encouragement. Publishing my list of goals will help – i think. So here it is. I haven’t put much thought into it. In fact, i thought i would make a list 1 – 10 and leave it on my desk and as ideas came to me i would write them down. I figured it would take me days. Much to my surprise, 5 minutes later i had 10 things written down. Apparently i have many goals in life and these were the first 10 to come to mind. So, without further due, here they are.

Lifetime Goals (okay at least by 40)

1. lose at least 50 lbs and keep it off

2. have 3-4 kids

3. be financially independant – be able to live comfortably on only 1 salary

4. no credit card debt, no short term debt

5. Have $50,000 in savings

6. own my own business doing something i love

7. if i don’t own my own business, at least work someplace that i love. A place i look forward going to every morning.

8. take a 1-2 week vacation every year doing something new and exciting

9. have an established retirement account that i contribute to weekly

10. Have a better relationship with God and serve my family

So, there it is. Now that it’s out, i can move to the next step of coming up with a plan to acheive each of the goals. My rationale is this: If i don’t publish the list, then i will only ever have a list in my mind. Once the list is published, that means that it’s complete and the logical next step is to start working on them. Otherwise, the list in my mind will always be a list, ever changing, ever evolving based on current situations.

On to the next step…