Just another day in paradise

The past few weeks have been pretty hellacious. Hubby’s grandpa came home (YAY!), but is completely bedridden and requires round the clock care. Everyone is glad he is home and everyone in the family takes turns taking care of things for both grandma and grampa. Grampa has a feeding tube on one side of his belly and a drain tube on the other side. They both require a good amount of care. Fortunately, God works his own plan in perfect timing. Hubby’s cousin came up from down south and has been staying with grandma and grampa and taking care of him between nurses. He is about our age and doesn’t have a permanent job so it really works out for everyone that he’s here.

Work has been dreadful. We are literally staying open one day at a time. Between our customer’s bankruptcy, the COGS being higher than the selling price (i know what your thinking *?!*), and our owners feuding over how to handle the situation, it’s really been lovely. NOT. Words cannot describe the hell we are going through here. I realize that you may be reading this thinking, geez – that sounds like most places. Let me assure you, i’ve only scratched the surface. I really feel quite horrible as a person for the crap i have to do and deal with at work. The automotive industry sucks ass and sales are nill. Besides, most components are now being made overseas for a fraction of the price we can make it for. The auto industry is killing itself and doesn’t even know it!

Believe it or not, i’ve continued to gain weight. Just a few pounds, but still. With everything going on, i have not had a chance to work out for the past few months. And forget about low-carb. I’m lucky to suck down grub when i get the chance. Usually standing up, or in the driver’s seat of my car and definately not healthy. I’ve been surviving on cans of Monster in the morning and whatever food i can manage to scarf down during the day. Very rarely do i get a chance to eat supper. If there were just a few more hours in each day…..

Somehow our finances are somewhat stabile. We’re current on the mortgage, credit cards, and most of the utilities. We’re only one month behind on 2 of the trucks. The insurance is current. I’m not yet sure how we’re going to make the mortgage payment that’s due next week, but today we’re good. We settled with the bank on the camper fiasco and owe $3500 in 2 weeks. I’m not as worried about that. I’ve been setting aside money here and there and I have it almost covered. It will feel good to finally put that issue to rest.

So, just another day in paradise. I’m very much looking forward to the day that everything works itself out. No more credit card debt, no more late payments, no more sweating over mortgage payments, no more shut-off notices from the utility companies, the pitter-patter of little feet down the hall, feeling good in my skin, and having the job of my dreams – just like my hubby does. Someday. Fortunately, i have a good foundation on which to build these dreams. I have a wonderful family, the perfect husband, and faith. Someday I’ll have it all.

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Meltdown

Yup. It happened. It finally all caught up with me.

Last night, my mum called to see if she could stop over for a few minutes. She was dropping my brother off at scouts and wanted to kill some time in town so she didn’t have to go all the way back home and come back to pick him up. I’m not gonna lie. At first i was pissed, but didn’t say anything. I was really looking forward to a night alone. Time by myself to make dinner, do laundry, and catch up on the million other things that have been neglected. I already had taken off my work clothes and slipped on a comfy t-shirt and oh-so-sexy (not!) athletic shorts. Hubby was headed to his fire meeting and i was excited about the down time.

So, she comes over and i’m folding towels and we’re chatting. No big. But, inevitably, the conversation turns to hubby’s grandpa. Again, no big. But the conversation turns when i confess that we’ve really been trying to get pregnant before anything happens to grandpa. Hubby really wants to show off his very own little one to the only man in the world he seeks approval from. Besides his dad, of course. And then i just lost it. For the next hour or so, we’re chatting and big fat alligator tears are streaming down my face. I tried to keep it together but i couldn’t stop it.

My mum assures me that she and grandma have been praying and grandma really thinks that it’s gonna happen before the end of the year. Although not psychic, my g-ma’s got some damn impressive intuition. She really believes that hubby and i just needed to endure some trials before hunkering down with the responsibilities and hardships of babies. I confessed to my mum that God had been laying this on my heart as well. For years actually. Well, i’m pretty sure we’ve done it all at this point! Infertility, miniscule income, foreclosure, repossession, loss of loved ones, credit counseling, pretty damn close to shutting the doors at work, nearly losing my husband. I don’t want to compare myself to Job, but i’m definately checking things off the list.

My mum continued to reassure me that everything will work out in the end. Focus on the blessings, not the negative. Easy to say, not so easy to do. I feel bad unloading all that crap on my mum. But, you know, we’ve never really been close. We’ve just never had that kind of relationship. I’m not the kind of person who discusses their feelings and crap. Occassionally, very rarely, i will let hubby know what’s going on in my head. It’s usually glossed over and sugar coated, and on his way out the door. But, he is the only person i’ve ever let in, sort of. Maybe this is just one more thing to check off the list.

so tired…

Hubby’s g-pa went back in the hospital this weekend. Doctors discovered he had a perforated colon, and it hadn’t happened recently. His abdominal cavity was full of toxins and infection. They did surgury Friday night and again Sunday morning. The family is not taking this news very easily. Our entire family was camped out at the hospital all weekend. We all took turns going home and driving in. The hospital is quite a way from home, so we are trying to share rides as often as possible.

Last night was pretty scary. Unstable blood pressure and lack of urine are 2 of the issues we were dealing with. He is still on the respirator and is agitated and restless. Really, can you blame him? The doctors are cautious to give him pain meds or meds to zonk him out because they mess with his blood pressure. Eventually there will come a time when his body will just give up.  I just want him to be happy and comfortable and at peace.

Life at work has been rough too. Since our customer declared bankruptcy, all shit has hit the fan and it continues to fling. The shit never stops. Honestly, the constant drama and political games are enough to make a grown man cry.

* Big Sigh *

Needless to say, my life has been and continues to be a living hell. Do you think there is there a limit on the number of times you can pray for strength to get through the day? A wing and a prayer and a can of monster will get you anywhere…