Meltdown

Yup. It happened. It finally all caught up with me.

Last night, my mum called to see if she could stop over for a few minutes. She was dropping my brother off at scouts and wanted to kill some time in town so she didn’t have to go all the way back home and come back to pick him up. I’m not gonna lie. At first i was pissed, but didn’t say anything. I was really looking forward to a night alone. Time by myself to make dinner, do laundry, and catch up on the million other things that have been neglected. I already had taken off my work clothes and slipped on a comfy t-shirt and oh-so-sexy (not!) athletic shorts. Hubby was headed to his fire meeting and i was excited about the down time.

So, she comes over and i’m folding towels and we’re chatting. No big. But, inevitably, the conversation turns to hubby’s grandpa. Again, no big. But the conversation turns when i confess that we’ve really been trying to get pregnant before anything happens to grandpa. Hubby really wants to show off his very own little one to the only man in the world he seeks approval from. Besides his dad, of course. And then i just lost it. For the next hour or so, we’re chatting and big fat alligator tears are streaming down my face. I tried to keep it together but i couldn’t stop it.

My mum assures me that she and grandma have been praying and grandma really thinks that it’s gonna happen before the end of the year. Although not psychic, my g-ma’s got some damn impressive intuition. She really believes that hubby and i just needed to endure some trials before hunkering down with the responsibilities and hardships of babies. I confessed to my mum that God had been laying this on my heart as well. For years actually. Well, i’m pretty sure we’ve done it all at this point! Infertility, miniscule income, foreclosure, repossession, loss of loved ones, credit counseling, pretty damn close to shutting the doors at work, nearly losing my husband. I don’t want to compare myself to Job, but i’m definately checking things off the list.

My mum continued to reassure me that everything will work out in the end. Focus on the blessings, not the negative. Easy to say, not so easy to do. I feel bad unloading all that crap on my mum. But, you know, we’ve never really been close. We’ve just never had that kind of relationship. I’m not the kind of person who discusses their feelings and crap. Occassionally, very rarely, i will let hubby know what’s going on in my head. It’s usually glossed over and sugar coated, and on his way out the door. But, he is the only person i’ve ever let in, sort of. Maybe this is just one more thing to check off the list.

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