The End

My heart has been smashed, shredded, and smeared on the highway for everyone to gawk at. The past two weeks of my life have been pure hell. The discovery of my husband’s infidelity has been earth shattering. The solid ground beneath my feet gone. I feel betrayed. Broken. Raw. HURT. My emotional state is in a constant roller coaster through the stages of grief. Being angry is the easiest way to cope so far.

He insists they’re just friends. Is adamant that nothing is going on. They just talk. And hang out. Looked me straight in the eye. And lied. And that probably hurts the most. He says he’s changed, I’ve changed. But he can’t say what, or how, or when. He just feels differently about me. He doesn’t hate me. In the beginning, that gave me the slightest glimmer of hope. If you’re truly just friends, and you don’t know what’s changed, would he be open to marriage counseling? And miracle of all miracles…. he agreed. You must know my husband to understand that mountains literally moved for him to agree to counseling.

And then the more time that passes, and word gets out that I’ve decided to leave him, the more people come forward with more of his indiscretions. She’s not the first. Not by a long shot. This has been going on for years. Our son is 2 1/2 now. Every person that contacts me (always supportive) just pushes another knife in my already fragile heart. And after an especially ugly Mother’s Day, he is no longer willing to go to marriage counseling. And with that, the tiniest silver lining fell to the earth and shattered at my feet.

I can’t lie and say I didn’t see this coming. He has been pulling away from me for quite some time. At least a year. We haven’t been physical in at least 6 months. He’s been sleeping on the couch for the last month or so. And he’s been increasing angry. And ugly. Never has a nice thing to say about anybody. Everybody is stupid. Nobody works as hard as him. He derides people who have free time and choose to do family things instead of working or volunteering at the fire department. I tried to chalk it up to work stress. His business has been crazy busy. And we have a very spirited potty training toddler. I kept telling myself it’s just a season. It will pass. He’s just in a funk. Maybe it’s a midlife thing. Never did i suspect there was someone else slowly taking my place. And even now i’m not sure that she has. Maybe they really just talk and she makes him feel 10 feet tall. Who knows. I’m not sure I really want to know. What i do know is not only did he not share with me how he felt or what he was going through, he sought and maintained a secret friendship with another female. Who’s 13 years younger than us by the way. And works for him. And is also on the fire department. And, and, and…..

His parents are squarely on my side. They think what he has done and is doing is despicable. And after all they’ve done to help him in life. Even as an adult. And after all the trials and tribulations we’ve overcome in our 20 years together. Including, and most prominently, our son. As a result of their feelings, he has disowned them. And if you knew him, you would understand how big that is. He is extremely close to his family, especially his parents. His dad has been his best friend in life. They do everything together. Their bond is like nothing I’ve ever seen in another adult father-son relationship. And he’s so willing to let that go…. for what? Her?

I’m still trying to come to terms with what he’s done, and what’s happening, and needs to happen, and how to move forward. I don’t know even what that means just yet. I’m a typical Type A, OCD, planner. I feel like the road i’ve been steadily traveling along has suddenly come to an end. I’m standing on the edge of a bridge to nowhere. I will acknowledge the road has had plenty of potholes and rainstorms and hills and valleys. But finally it had straightened out and we were picking up speed. And suddenly I’m at this bridge. That’s not even there. Hasn’t even been built yet. No orange barrels to warn me it’s out . Just gone. And now it’s up to me, and only me, to figure out how to build a damn bridge for me and my son. But I don’t even see where the bridge is going or what’s going to be a the other end. I’m just standing here. Looking out at nothing but blankness.

bridge-to-nowhere