Last night I hung out with a dear friend of mine. We just sat and listened to records and talked and drank. It was wonderful. This friend happens to be my best friend. He has become my everything. I have never in my life had such a close friend that I feel so comfortable with and trust my heart with. I love him dearly and am grateful everyday that he’s in my life.
One of his finest qualities is to gently and lovingly talk me through my crisis du jour. This divorce process has broken me in so many ways I’ve lost track of the scars. Over the past year and a half, my life has been a roller coaster of emotions, and truths, and struggles. I cannot verbalize how much I appreciate having someone to talk to. Someone who intimately understands my pain, and can offer sage advice. Because he’s been there too.
One of the messages that keeps popping up, and I’ve been dodging, is to just… let it be. Let it go. Focus on what’s good, and let go of the bad. The sad. The frustrating. And I know he’s right. He’s 100% right. And yet…. I sabotage myself. Why? Why do I choose to hang on to the hurt? Why do I keep circling back to the injustice of what happened to me? I cannot answer that. But I realized this morning on my long drive to work that I must make a valiant effort to do just that. I need to let it be.
By clutching the hurt, the negativity, the sadness… I am unable to receive the good, the positive, the happiness. And what strikes me just now is the memory of why i did this. I told my ex that i deserve better. I deserve to be happy. And that is why i want a divorce. And yet, here I am today making myself miserable.
Today. Today I will no longer feel sorry for myself. I will no longer focus on what happened. Instead, I will focus on the future. What I want my life to look like. What I can do to create the happy and fulfilling life I deserve. No more wasting tears and emotional energy on a person who never deserved it in the first place. Fuck him. Fuck them.
Let it be………