Since the divorce, I dated a bit in the beginning. I gave that up about a year ago. It was hugely disappointing, and frankly took up too much of my time and energy. Precious resources these days. Since then, I’ve settled in my new home. Went through a bout or 2 of depression. Started a new job. My son is now old enough to do sports, and he wants to do ALL. THE. SPORTS. My finances are finally settling. I’ve made a few new friends, but haven’t been much of a friend. I keep more to myself than i used to. Since my love tank is completely empty and damaged, I’ve built up some solid walls around my heart. And, since i’m an overachiever, added an extra layer or 2 of padding around my midsection. Thus guaranteeing zero interest in anyone wanting to date me. In the time since I’ve called off dating, I’ve gained 40 pounds. Ouch.
The thing is…. lately my clothes have been rather uncomfortable. Due, no doubt, to the dramatic weight gain and lack of exercise in the past year-ish. Except my clothes weren’t uncomfortable a month ago. I was okay being me. Being fat. I was content, i told myself, just being me and doing my own thing. I started a keto diet over the summer and lost 10 pounds. Then promptly went back to not caring and gained it all back, plus interest.
Perhaps it’s the Christmas season. Maybe it’s the Hallmark movies of love and romance. It could be the cold lonely bed I crawl into every night. It may be due to the fact that this year is quickly coming to a close. But something has changed. I don’t want to be me. This me that I am. Lonely. Sad. Bored. Unfulfilled.
Perhaps being incredibly uncomfortable in my clothes is a symptom of something bigger. Perhaps it’s a sign that I’m uncomfortable with my life. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m ready to move forward. It’s very uncomfortable taking these thoughts and writing them down. And it might be because I want to move forward. But it’s scary.
I’m truly at a crossroads of emotions. Stay inside where it’s safe, but lonely. Or put in the work and be the best me I can be and put myself out there. In the world. Ready for the next adventure. The next chapter.